Jeremy Clarkson

An introduction:

If you have no idea who this guy is, he’s one of the stupid old men of Top Gear; or as we call them in our household: Top Knobs. I watch that show religiously, they are tremendously idiotic that you just have to watch it.  A complete anus who offends everyone under the sun, of any racial, social or ethnic origin. He is also funny, does sometimes have something intelligent to say (although rare) and was also favoured to run for Prime Minister; where an official petition was created on a government forum and enough signatures were acquired for it to be discussed in the Houses of Parliament. Then again, David Cameron is our Prime Minister.

Here is Jeremy’s Manifesto:
1 ENCOURAGE GLOBAL WARMING
2 ABOLISH CRICKET
3 END THE SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP (with the USA) 4 BAN HEALTH & SAFETY
5 DEAL WITH YOUTH CRIME
“It’s true that some juvenile oiks come from broken homes where parents have all the child-rearing skills of King Herod. But let’s stop making excuses. These delinquents have been creating mayhem for too long. They need to be taught some fear. Looking down the barrel of a sub-machine gun in a prison camp on the Outer Hebrides might do the trick.”
6 REMOVE SPEED CAMERAS
7 TEACH BRITISH HISTORY
“Pupils are taught to feel ashamed of their past, our national flag is treated as an embarrassment, our heritage as a source of shame. My Government would end this cultural cringe. The only problem with the Empire is that it wasn’t big enough and didn’t last long enough.
8 GET OUT OF IRAQ
9 BRING BACK THE STOCKS
Despite Big Brother, there isn’t enough humiliation in public life for those who deserve it. The medieval authorities had the right idea. The Beckhams will be the first in the stocks, followed by the chairman of the Health & Safety Executive.
10 END RECYCLING HELL
11 BANISHWALES
12 AND EAST ANGLIA
“That boring lump of flatness stretching out into the North Sea will have no place in Clarkson’s Britain either. Then all those tiresome luvvies with second homes in Norfolk and Suffolk can have the thrill of going to a foreign country without flying to Tuscany.”
13 BAN DIESEL CARS
14 END HUMAN RIGHTS
15 KICK OUT BUREAUCRATS
“The former U.S. President Ronald Reagan once said that the state was like a baby’s alimentary canal: endless appetite at one end and utter irresponsibility at the other. My Government will reduce taxes by cracking down on all pen-sucking, paper-pushing jobsworths, outreach counsellors and parking enforcers, equality officers and drugs co-ordinators. Those who resist will be fed very, very slowly into their own office shredders.”
16 FREEDOM TO SMOKE
17 BRITISH INDEPENDENCE
“Under my rule, Britain will withdraw from the EU, so we will no longer be governed by a bunch of sausage-eating Germans, French cheese-eating surrender monkeys and kebab-swallowing Greeks.”
18 NO MORE COOL BRITANNIA
19 CRACKDOWN ON CYCLISTS
20 PUBLIC EXECUTIONS (of Clarkson himself)

CABINET:
CHANCELLOR: Ken Dodd – very sound on taxation.
MINISTER OF TRANSPORT: Richard Hammond – a man with the right sense of priorities when it comes to modes of travel.
HOME SECRETARY: Henry Cooper – a knockout for criminals.
CABINET SECRETARY: Heidi Klum – no Cabinet meeting would ever be boring with the presence of the supermodel.
MINISTER FOR FOOD & DRINK: Keith Floyd – no more puritan lectures about alcohol units.
FOREIGN SECRETARY: Boris Johnson – diplomacy is his middle name.

From: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-505788/Jeremy-Clarkson-Prime-Minister.html

More of his nonsense is published in book on a bi-annual basis and printed in newspaper form every Sunday. It is actually really funny, and you have to share his hatred for Piers Morgan but it’s mostly dribble.

So on that note:

He could make 79p, this is well cool 😀

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